I tried looking for gold, but it didn't pan out.
I tried to make the plump ladies see the error of their weighs.
I used to be a banker, but lost interest in the work.
I used to be a baker, but I didn't make enough dough.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
I used to be a blackjack host, but was offered a better deal.
I used to work for Budweiser, but then I got canned.
I used to be a butler, but found the work wasn't my cup of tea.
I used to be a carpenter, but then I got bored.
I used to be a doctor, but then I lost patients.
I used to be a fisherman, but I got caught playing hooky.
I used to work for H&R Block, but it was just too taxing.
I used to be a hotel clerk, but then I had reservations.
I used to be a nun, but I got expelled because of my dirty habits.
I used to be a marathon runner, but couldn't stand the agony of de feet.
I used to work at an orange juice factory, but I was canned because I couldn't concentrate.
I used to be a railroad conductor, but my boss found out I wasn't trained.
I used to be a road digger, but I got re-trenched.
I used to be a sanitation engineer, but the city dumped me.
I used to sell computer parts, but then I lost my drive.
I used to be a shoe salesman, till they gave me the boot.
I used to work at Starbucks, but I got tired of the daily grind.
I used to be a tailor, but found the work to be just so-so.
I used to be a taxi driver, but found I couldn't hack it.
I used to be a teacher, but found I didn't have enough class.
I used to be a tennis instructor, but it just wasn't my racket.
I used to be a train driver but I got sidetracked.
I used to be a transplant surgeon, but my heart just wasn't in it.
I used to be a Velcro salesman, but couldn't stick with it.
I considered going into the ministry but I didn't have an altar ego.
I tried working in a bakery, but was told I wasn't "bread" for it.
I thought becoming a candle maker, but I wasn't sure wick end was up.
I wanted to be a stenographer, but they told me they are not short-handed at the moment.
Sunday, March 31, 2013
Saturday, March 30, 2013
Democracy
"Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead. And, unlike communism, democracy does not mean having just one ineffective political party; it means having two ineffective political parties. ...Democracy is welcoming people from other lands, and giving them something to hold onto -- usually a mop or a leaf blower. It means that with proper timing and scrupulous bookkeeping, anyone can die owing the government a huge amount of money. ... Democracy means free television, not good television, but free. ... And finally, democracy is the eagle on the back of a dollar bill, with 13 arrows in one claw, 13 leaves on a branch, 13 tail feathers, and 13 stars over its head -- this signifies that when the white man came to this country, it was bad luck for the Indians, bad luck for the trees, bad luck for the wildlife, and lights out for the American eagle." - Johnny Carson
Friday, March 29, 2013
Consider It Done!
Four former presidents of the US were walking along the Yellow Brick Road, when suddenly they came in front of the Wizard.
The Wizard said, "each of you, come before me and ask what your heart desires. I will grant you each one wish."
So up steps Jimmy Carter: "Uh, people say I need some courage, Mr Wizard..." and so the Wizard claps his hands and replies, "It is done!"
Next up is Ronald Reagan. "Mr Wizard, I really need a brain!"
"I'm told it's true", says the Wizard, "consider it done!" George Bush Sr. presents himself before the Great Wizard; "My people say I need a heart, Wizard..." and quick as a flash, the Wizard snaps his fingers and proclaims the deed, "done!"
The Wizard looks around, and Bill Clinton is just standing there, peering over the landscape, hands in pockets. The Wizard starts to become irritated, finally asking, "Yes Bill, what do you want for your wish?"
"Is Dorothy around...?"
The Wizard said, "each of you, come before me and ask what your heart desires. I will grant you each one wish."
So up steps Jimmy Carter: "Uh, people say I need some courage, Mr Wizard..." and so the Wizard claps his hands and replies, "It is done!"
Next up is Ronald Reagan. "Mr Wizard, I really need a brain!"
"I'm told it's true", says the Wizard, "consider it done!" George Bush Sr. presents himself before the Great Wizard; "My people say I need a heart, Wizard..." and quick as a flash, the Wizard snaps his fingers and proclaims the deed, "done!"
The Wizard looks around, and Bill Clinton is just standing there, peering over the landscape, hands in pockets. The Wizard starts to become irritated, finally asking, "Yes Bill, what do you want for your wish?"
"Is Dorothy around...?"
Thursday, March 28, 2013
Sunufapitch!
A young priest is walking along a pier. He strikes up a conversation with a local fisherman. "Have you ever been deep sea fishing, father?", asks the fisherman.
"No, son. I am a fisher of men.", he replied. The fisherman invites him to tag along and the priest decides to do so. The priest is set up with a rod, reel and bait. He casts out and soon enough a huge fish is on the line. The young priest reels it in, and the fisherman exclaims, "That is one huge son of a bitch!"
"My son! Please, watch your language!" Thinking fast the fisherman replied, "You misunderstand father. This fish is called a 'sunufapitch'. I wasn't being vulgar."
The priest apologized for chastising the man, and when the boat returned to shore he brought his fish to the Cardinal. "Cardinal, look at this big sunufapitch!", the priest proudly displayed his catch.
"Father! I'm suprised at you!" "No, Cardinal, that is what this fish is called. It's a sunufapitch." "I should have known better, father. I will clean your sunufapitch and prepare it for dinner with the Pope tonight." The Cardinal took the fish to the Mother Superior to be cooked. "Mother Superior, I have brought this big sunufapitch to be prepared for the Popes dinner.", he said.
"Holy Mary, mother of god!", mother Superior breathlessly whispered as she nearly fainted.
"You misunderstand, sister, that is the name the lord has given this beast. It is a sunufapitch." The nun gathered herself together and apologized. She went about preparing the Popes dinner. That night at dinner, as the main course was brought out, the young priest looked at the Pope and said, "As the lord Jesus was a fisherman, I have caught you this huge sunufapitch."
The Cardinal, not to be outdone stood up and said, "As the lord Jesus cleanses us of our sins, I cleaned this sunufapitch for you." The Mother Superior, feeling she needed to be part of this said, "As the Holy Spirit burns away our worldly thoughts, I have cooked this sunufapitch for you." The pope paused for a moment. He flipped the huge hat off his head and threw his feet up on the table. "I knew you mother fuckers were cool."
"No, son. I am a fisher of men.", he replied. The fisherman invites him to tag along and the priest decides to do so. The priest is set up with a rod, reel and bait. He casts out and soon enough a huge fish is on the line. The young priest reels it in, and the fisherman exclaims, "That is one huge son of a bitch!"
"My son! Please, watch your language!" Thinking fast the fisherman replied, "You misunderstand father. This fish is called a 'sunufapitch'. I wasn't being vulgar."
The priest apologized for chastising the man, and when the boat returned to shore he brought his fish to the Cardinal. "Cardinal, look at this big sunufapitch!", the priest proudly displayed his catch.
"Father! I'm suprised at you!" "No, Cardinal, that is what this fish is called. It's a sunufapitch." "I should have known better, father. I will clean your sunufapitch and prepare it for dinner with the Pope tonight." The Cardinal took the fish to the Mother Superior to be cooked. "Mother Superior, I have brought this big sunufapitch to be prepared for the Popes dinner.", he said.
"Holy Mary, mother of god!", mother Superior breathlessly whispered as she nearly fainted.
"You misunderstand, sister, that is the name the lord has given this beast. It is a sunufapitch." The nun gathered herself together and apologized. She went about preparing the Popes dinner. That night at dinner, as the main course was brought out, the young priest looked at the Pope and said, "As the lord Jesus was a fisherman, I have caught you this huge sunufapitch."
The Cardinal, not to be outdone stood up and said, "As the lord Jesus cleanses us of our sins, I cleaned this sunufapitch for you." The Mother Superior, feeling she needed to be part of this said, "As the Holy Spirit burns away our worldly thoughts, I have cooked this sunufapitch for you." The pope paused for a moment. He flipped the huge hat off his head and threw his feet up on the table. "I knew you mother fuckers were cool."
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
A Very Rare Medical Condition
A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds. The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more. Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before. Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you ok?" "I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm." The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. " I have never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?" The woman nodded, "Pepper!"
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
A Bad Time for Talking Business
The banker fell overboard from a friend’s sailboat.
The friend grabbed a life preserver, held it up, not knowing if the banker could swim, and shouted, “Can you float alone?”
“Obviously,” the banker replied, “but this is a heck of a time to talk business.”
The friend grabbed a life preserver, held it up, not knowing if the banker could swim, and shouted, “Can you float alone?”
“Obviously,” the banker replied, “but this is a heck of a time to talk business.”
Monday, March 25, 2013
Firefighting: A Mathematical Solution
An Engineering, a Physicist, and a Mathematician are staying in a hotel.
In the middle of the night, the fire alarm goes off. The Engineer is the first to wake. He runs out to the hall, sees a fire off in the distance, and gets to work. He runs back to his room, grabs his ice bucket, fills it with water, and runs quickly back to the hall to douse the flames.
Later, the alarm goes off again, this time waking the Physicist. The Physicist sees another fire in the hallway, runs back to retrieve the ice bucket, patiently fills it with just enough water put out the fire (keeping in mind the rate at which the fire spreads while he’s filling the bucket), walks carefully to just the right distance from the fire, and gently tosses the water from the bucket, forming a perfect arc and putting out the fire without a drop of excess water.
The fire alarm goes off a third time, and the Mathematician wakes up. He runs outside of his room, sees the fire in the hall, remembers the ice bucket in his room, thinks “Aha! A solution exists!” and goes back to sleep.
In the middle of the night, the fire alarm goes off. The Engineer is the first to wake. He runs out to the hall, sees a fire off in the distance, and gets to work. He runs back to his room, grabs his ice bucket, fills it with water, and runs quickly back to the hall to douse the flames.
Later, the alarm goes off again, this time waking the Physicist. The Physicist sees another fire in the hallway, runs back to retrieve the ice bucket, patiently fills it with just enough water put out the fire (keeping in mind the rate at which the fire spreads while he’s filling the bucket), walks carefully to just the right distance from the fire, and gently tosses the water from the bucket, forming a perfect arc and putting out the fire without a drop of excess water.
The fire alarm goes off a third time, and the Mathematician wakes up. He runs outside of his room, sees the fire in the hall, remembers the ice bucket in his room, thinks “Aha! A solution exists!” and goes back to sleep.
Sunday, March 24, 2013
Fathead
A man and his son walk into an ice cream parlor. The man orders a vanilla cone, looks at his son, slaps him on the back of the head and asks, “What do you want, Fathead?”
The guy at the counter is appalled. He questions the man on his actions, to which the man replies, “There are three things a man wants in life:
1. A big truck. You see that truck out there? Biggest damn truck in town;
2. A nice house. I got the nicest house in the county; and
3) A tight woman.
Had me one of those too, until Fathead here came along…”
The guy at the counter is appalled. He questions the man on his actions, to which the man replies, “There are three things a man wants in life:
1. A big truck. You see that truck out there? Biggest damn truck in town;
2. A nice house. I got the nicest house in the county; and
3) A tight woman.
Had me one of those too, until Fathead here came along…”
Saturday, March 23, 2013
Almost
A married man goes to confessional and says
to the priest, "Father, I had an affair with a woman... almost." "What do you
mean almost?" question the priest. "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together,
but then I stopped." "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in," explains
the priest. "You're not to go near that woman again. Now, say five Hail Mary's
and put $50 in the poor box."
The man leaves confessional, says his prayers, and then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then decides to leave. The priest quickly runs over to the man and exclaims, "I saw that... you didn't put any money in the poor box!" "Well Father, I rubbed up against it and, like you said, it's the same as putting it in!"
The man leaves confessional, says his prayers, and then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then decides to leave. The priest quickly runs over to the man and exclaims, "I saw that... you didn't put any money in the poor box!" "Well Father, I rubbed up against it and, like you said, it's the same as putting it in!"
Friday, March 22, 2013
Hard to Extrapolate
At a convention of biological scientists one
researcher remarks to another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched
from mice to lawyers for our experiments?" "Really?" the other replied, "Why did
you switch?" "Well, for three reasons. First we found that lawyers are far more
plentiful, second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them, and thirdly
there are some things even a rat won't do. However, sometimes it very hard to
extrapolate our test results to human beings."
Thursday, March 21, 2013
The Lawyer
A truck driver would amuse
himself by running over lawyers. Whenever he saw a lawyer walking down the side
of the road he would swerve to hit him, enjoy the load, satisfying "THUMP", and
then swerve back onto the road.
(at this point some of you are probably wondering how the trucker could distinguish the lawyers from the humans. Obviously he saw the trail of slime they left!)
(at this point some of you are probably wondering how the trucker could distinguish the lawyers from the humans. Obviously he saw the trail of slime they left!)
One day, as the truck driver
was driving along he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good
turn and pulled the truck over.
He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"
"I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road," replied the priest.
"No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck." The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road.
Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back away, narrowly missing the lawyer. However even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD". Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer."
"That's okay", replied the priest. "I got him with the door!"
He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"
"I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road," replied the priest.
"No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck." The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road.
Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back away, narrowly missing the lawyer. However even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD". Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer."
"That's okay", replied the priest. "I got him with the door!"
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
The Sermon
The
Sermon
A visiting minister waxed eloquent during the offertory prayer. He began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face,"Without you we are bu dust... "
He would have continued but at that moment an obedient daughter (who was listening!) leaned over to her mother and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
Erection Problem
“Doctor,” the embarrassed man said, “I have a sexual problem. I can’t get it up for my wife anymore.”
“Mr. Thomas,” said the doctor, ”bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do.”
The next day the worried fellow returned with his wife. “Take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas,” the doc said. “Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Ok, you may put your clothes back on.”
The doctor took the husband aside. “You’re in perfect health,” he said. “Your wife didn’t give me an erection either.”
“Mr. Thomas,” said the doctor, ”bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do.”
The next day the worried fellow returned with his wife. “Take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas,” the doc said. “Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Ok, you may put your clothes back on.”
The doctor took the husband aside. “You’re in perfect health,” he said. “Your wife didn’t give me an erection either.”
Monday, March 18, 2013
Advice from a Burglar
A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
"You'll get your chance in court," said the desk sergeant.
"No, no, no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"
"You'll get your chance in court," said the desk sergeant.
"No, no, no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"
Sunday, March 17, 2013
Love, Lust, and Marriage Explained
Love: When you take a bubble bath together
Lust: When you take a bath in Jell-o together
Marriage: When you give the kids a bath
Love: A romantic candle-light dinner for two
Lust: "Do I have to buy you dinner first?"
Marriage: Four McDonald's Happy Meals . . . to go
Love: Giving your love some candy
Lust: Thinking you are the candy
Marriage: Scraping the kids' candy off of the carpet
Love: Sex every night
Lust: Sex five times a night
Marriage: What's sex?
Love: A night out at the symphony
Lust: A night out at the Holiday Inn
Marriage: A night out at Sesame Street On Ice
Love: French perfume
Lust: Brut aftershave
Marriage: "The baby needs changing. . ."
Love: Lending your jacket to your love when he/she is cold
Lust: "I can think of a way to stay warm . . ."
Marriage: Your teen aged daughter has borrowed all of your jackets
Love: Talking and cuddling
Lust: Rolling over and falling asleep
Marriage: Getting up to wash your hands . . .
Love: Finding the "Fell in Love on AOL" room
Lust: Finding the "Blonde Dominatrix" room
Marriage: Finding the "Married and Looking" room
Love: Long drives through the countryside
Lust: Long parking sessions at Lover's Lookout
Marriage: Long drives with the kids screaming in the backseat
Lust: When you take a bath in Jell-o together
Marriage: When you give the kids a bath
Love: A romantic candle-light dinner for two
Lust: "Do I have to buy you dinner first?"
Marriage: Four McDonald's Happy Meals . . . to go
Love: Giving your love some candy
Lust: Thinking you are the candy
Marriage: Scraping the kids' candy off of the carpet
Love: Sex every night
Lust: Sex five times a night
Marriage: What's sex?
Love: A night out at the symphony
Lust: A night out at the Holiday Inn
Marriage: A night out at Sesame Street On Ice
Love: French perfume
Lust: Brut aftershave
Marriage: "The baby needs changing. . ."
Love: Lending your jacket to your love when he/she is cold
Lust: "I can think of a way to stay warm . . ."
Marriage: Your teen aged daughter has borrowed all of your jackets
Love: Talking and cuddling
Lust: Rolling over and falling asleep
Marriage: Getting up to wash your hands . . .
Love: Finding the "Fell in Love on AOL" room
Lust: Finding the "Blonde Dominatrix" room
Marriage: Finding the "Married and Looking" room
Love: Long drives through the countryside
Lust: Long parking sessions at Lover's Lookout
Marriage: Long drives with the kids screaming in the backseat
Saturday, March 16, 2013
The True Mother-in-Law
Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man in a three-piece suit.
"This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter," said one.
"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.
And so they haggled before the King until he called for silence.
"Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall hew the young attorney in half. Each of you shall receive a half."
"Sounds good to me," said the first lady.
But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him."
The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "The attorney must marry the first lady's daughter," he proclaimed.
"But she was willing to hew him in two!" exclaimed the king's court.
"Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law."
"This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter," said one.
"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.
And so they haggled before the King until he called for silence.
"Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall hew the young attorney in half. Each of you shall receive a half."
"Sounds good to me," said the first lady.
But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him."
The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "The attorney must marry the first lady's daughter," he proclaimed.
"But she was willing to hew him in two!" exclaimed the king's court.
"Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law."
Friday, March 15, 2013
How to Use a Coin for Exams
A young student reported for a final examination that consisted of only true/false questions.
The student took a seat in the hall, stared at the test for five minutes, removed a coin from his pocket and started tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet. Heads meant true, tails meant false. The young student finished the exam in 30 minutes, while the rest of the class was sweating it out.
Suddenly, during the last few minutes, the young student began desperately throwing the coin and sweating profusely.
The moderator, alarmed, approached the student and asked what was going on. "Well, I finished the exam in half an hour," said the student, "but I thought I ought to recheck my answers."
The student took a seat in the hall, stared at the test for five minutes, removed a coin from his pocket and started tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet. Heads meant true, tails meant false. The young student finished the exam in 30 minutes, while the rest of the class was sweating it out.
Suddenly, during the last few minutes, the young student began desperately throwing the coin and sweating profusely.
The moderator, alarmed, approached the student and asked what was going on. "Well, I finished the exam in half an hour," said the student, "but I thought I ought to recheck my answers."
Thursday, March 14, 2013
The Case of the Missing Husband
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
Salesman and the Kid
“Is your mother at home?” the salesman asked a small boy sitting on the front step of a house.
“Yes, she’s at home,” the boy answered, moving over to let him pass.
The salesman rang the doorbell, got no answer, knocked once, then again. Still no one came to the door.
Turning to the boy, the salesman said, “I thought you said your mother was at home.”
The boy replied, “She is, but I don’t live here.”
“Yes, she’s at home,” the boy answered, moving over to let him pass.
The salesman rang the doorbell, got no answer, knocked once, then again. Still no one came to the door.
Turning to the boy, the salesman said, “I thought you said your mother was at home.”
The boy replied, “She is, but I don’t live here.”
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
Tampax for Boys
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy, picked out a box of Tampax and proceeded to the checkout counter. The man at the counter asked the older boy, “Son, how old are you?”
“Eight,” the boy replied.
The man, perplexed but intrigued, couldn’t help but ask, “Do you know what these are used for?”
The boy replied, “Not exactly, but they aren’t for me. They’re for him (pointing to the boy who came in with him). He’s my little brother. He’s four. We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim and ride a bike. He can’t do either one.”
“Eight,” the boy replied.
The man, perplexed but intrigued, couldn’t help but ask, “Do you know what these are used for?”
The boy replied, “Not exactly, but they aren’t for me. They’re for him (pointing to the boy who came in with him). He’s my little brother. He’s four. We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim and ride a bike. He can’t do either one.”
Monday, March 11, 2013
Two Old Professors
How about the two old men, one a retired professor of psychology and the other a retired professor of history.
Their wives had talked them into a two week stay at a hotel in the Catskills.
They were sitting around on the porch of the hotel watching the sun set.
The history professor said to the psychology professor, "Have you read Marx?"
To which the professor of psychology said, "Yes, I think it's the wicker chairs."
Their wives had talked them into a two week stay at a hotel in the Catskills.
They were sitting around on the porch of the hotel watching the sun set.
The history professor said to the psychology professor, "Have you read Marx?"
To which the professor of psychology said, "Yes, I think it's the wicker chairs."
Sunday, March 10, 2013
God, We Don't Need You Anymore!
God was sitting in heaven one day when a scientist said to Him, “God, we don’t need you anymore. Science has finally figured out a way to create life out of nothing - in other words, we can now do what you did in the beginning.”
“Oh, is that so? Explain…” replies God. “Well,” says the scientist, “we can take dirt and form it into the likeness of you and breathe life into it, thus creating man.”
“Well, that’s very interesting… show Me.”
So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil into the shape of a man. “No, no, no…” interrupts God, “Get your own dirt.”
“Oh, is that so? Explain…” replies God. “Well,” says the scientist, “we can take dirt and form it into the likeness of you and breathe life into it, thus creating man.”
“Well, that’s very interesting… show Me.”
So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil into the shape of a man. “No, no, no…” interrupts God, “Get your own dirt.”
Saturday, March 9, 2013
Flowers and a Note
A client bought a new home and the broker wanted to send flowers for the occasion.
They arrived at the home and the owner read the card; it said “Rest in Peace”.
The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist said.
“Sir, I’m really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, “Congratulations on your new home”.
They arrived at the home and the owner read the card; it said “Rest in Peace”.
The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist said.
“Sir, I’m really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, “Congratulations on your new home”.
Friday, March 8, 2013
A Panicked Broker
A broker was dismayed when a brand new real estate office much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read ‘BEST AGENTS.’
He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading ‘LOWEST COMMISSIONS.’
The broker panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own real estate office. It read: ‘MAIN ENTRANCE’
He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading ‘LOWEST COMMISSIONS.’
The broker panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own real estate office. It read: ‘MAIN ENTRANCE’
Thursday, March 7, 2013
Wrist Watch or Grandfather Clock?
A little old man in the city, living in an apartment on the tenth floor of an urban apartment building, had an antique grandfather clock. This particular clock was unusually large, and he had owned it for a long time and was naturally very fond of it. But, the grandfather clock stopped running, and he couldn't get a repairman to come to his apartment to fix it. A clock repairman down the street said he'd fix it, but that he didn't make house calls. And so, the old man made an appointment to have his clock fixed.
He moved the clock from the apartment to the hall, barely getting it through the small door of his apartment. Then he carried it down the hall, stopping every ten feet to rest, until he reached the elevator. This was the easy part, but when he got to the lobby, he encountered the revolving front doors. After struggling with the clock for half an hour, he finally got it to the street. Then he struggled down the street with it, again stopping every ten feet or so to rest.
As luck would have it, there was a bar between his apartment building and the clock repair shop. He tried to time his rest stops to where he didn't block the entrance to any shop, but it was his bad fortune to be lugging the heavy clock past the bar when the bartender threw a drunk through the door and right into him. The old man was knocked to the ground, as was his clock, and ended up in a pile with the drunk who'd just been tossed from the bar . . . and the pieces of his clock. In his dispair, the old man took off a shoe and started beating the drunk in the head with it, saying over and over, "You damed old drunk, look what you've done. You're ruined my priceless clock."
The drunk, trying to fend off the old man's shoe attack, finally mumbled the words, "Well, shit! Why don't you wear a wristwatch like everybody else?"
He moved the clock from the apartment to the hall, barely getting it through the small door of his apartment. Then he carried it down the hall, stopping every ten feet to rest, until he reached the elevator. This was the easy part, but when he got to the lobby, he encountered the revolving front doors. After struggling with the clock for half an hour, he finally got it to the street. Then he struggled down the street with it, again stopping every ten feet or so to rest.
As luck would have it, there was a bar between his apartment building and the clock repair shop. He tried to time his rest stops to where he didn't block the entrance to any shop, but it was his bad fortune to be lugging the heavy clock past the bar when the bartender threw a drunk through the door and right into him. The old man was knocked to the ground, as was his clock, and ended up in a pile with the drunk who'd just been tossed from the bar . . . and the pieces of his clock. In his dispair, the old man took off a shoe and started beating the drunk in the head with it, saying over and over, "You damed old drunk, look what you've done. You're ruined my priceless clock."
The drunk, trying to fend off the old man's shoe attack, finally mumbled the words, "Well, shit! Why don't you wear a wristwatch like everybody else?"
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
The Golfing Nun
A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair; she lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.
'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior, 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'
'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother.We try to play golf as often as we can.You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.'
'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?'
'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!'
'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell me all about it!'
'Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, 520 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it.The sweetest
swing I ever made.And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!'
'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother.'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!'
'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!'
'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother.
'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister.'And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and
grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!'
'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile.
'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms
across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...
'You missed the fucking putt, didn't you?'
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
Lesson for Living a Fuller Life
A philosophy professor stood before her class and had some items in front of her. When the class began, silently she picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks. She then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was. So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. She shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. She then asked the students again if the jar was full. They again agreed it was.
The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. Now, said the professor, I want you to recognize that this is your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health, your children - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else. The small stuff. If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you.
Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical check-ups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal. Take care of the rocks first - the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.
But then... A student then took the jar which the other students and the professor agreed was full, and proceeded to pour in a glass of beer. Of course the beer filled the remaining spaces within the jar making the jar truly full. The moral of this tale is that no matter how full your life is, there is always room for BEER.
The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. Now, said the professor, I want you to recognize that this is your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health, your children - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else. The small stuff. If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you.
Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical check-ups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal. Take care of the rocks first - the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.
But then... A student then took the jar which the other students and the professor agreed was full, and proceeded to pour in a glass of beer. Of course the beer filled the remaining spaces within the jar making the jar truly full. The moral of this tale is that no matter how full your life is, there is always room for BEER.
Monday, March 4, 2013
The Coffee Problem
The young clerk's responsibilities included bringing the judge a hot cup of coffee at the start of every day. Each morning the judge was enraged that the coffee cup arrived two-thirds full. The clerk explained that he had to rush to get the coffee delivered while it was still hot, which caused him to spill much of it along the way.
None of the judge's yelling and insults produced a full cup of coffee, until he finally threatened to cut the clerk's pay by one-third if he continued to produce one-third less than the judge wanted. The next morning he was greeted with a cup of coffee that was full to the brim, and the next morning and the morning after that.
The judge couldn't resist gloating over his success and smugly complimented the clerk on his new technique. "Oh, there's not much to it," admitted the clerk happily, "I take some coffee in my mouth right outside the coffee room, and spit it back in when I get outside your office."
None of the judge's yelling and insults produced a full cup of coffee, until he finally threatened to cut the clerk's pay by one-third if he continued to produce one-third less than the judge wanted. The next morning he was greeted with a cup of coffee that was full to the brim, and the next morning and the morning after that.
The judge couldn't resist gloating over his success and smugly complimented the clerk on his new technique. "Oh, there's not much to it," admitted the clerk happily, "I take some coffee in my mouth right outside the coffee room, and spit it back in when I get outside your office."
Sunday, March 3, 2013
The Worth of a Calf
A motorist, driving by a Texas ranch, hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road.
The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth.
“Oh, about $200 today,” said the rancher. “But in six years it would have been worth $900. So $900 is what I’m out.”
The motorist sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer.
“Here,” he said, “is the check for $900. It’s postdated six years from now.”
The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth.
“Oh, about $200 today,” said the rancher. “But in six years it would have been worth $900. So $900 is what I’m out.”
The motorist sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer.
“Here,” he said, “is the check for $900. It’s postdated six years from now.”
Saturday, March 2, 2013
Captain Hook
There are two pirates on a ship. One is much older than the other, and the younger pirate notices that he is pretty beat up. The younger pirate asks, “ How did you get that wooden leg?”
The older pirate replies, “Well I was messing around not doing what I was suppose to so they made me walk the plank and a shark bit my leg off...
Click Here!
The younger pirate with a amazed face asks: “Well okay... What about your hook hand, how did that happen. The older pirate replied, “ Well I was messing around again and they made me walk the plank again and a shark bit that off too...
The younger pirate with an even more amazed face asks: “Wow, well what about your patch eye did a shark get that too?”
The older pirate replied.. “ Nope! First day with my new hook!!!”
The older pirate replies, “Well I was messing around not doing what I was suppose to so they made me walk the plank and a shark bit my leg off...
Click Here!
The younger pirate with a amazed face asks: “Well okay... What about your hook hand, how did that happen. The older pirate replied, “ Well I was messing around again and they made me walk the plank again and a shark bit that off too...
The younger pirate with an even more amazed face asks: “Wow, well what about your patch eye did a shark get that too?”
The older pirate replied.. “ Nope! First day with my new hook!!!”
Friday, March 1, 2013
Democracy, According to Johnny Carson
"Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead. And, unlike communism, democracy does not mean having just one ineffective political party; it means having two ineffective political parties.
...Democracy is welcoming people from other lands, and giving them something to hold onto -- usually a mop or a leaf blower. It means that with proper timing and scrupulous bookkeeping, anyone can die owing the government a huge amount of money.
... Democracy means free television, not good television, but free. ...
And finally, democracy is the eagle on the back of a dollar bill, with 13 arrows in one claw, 13 leaves on a branch, 13 tail feathers, and 13 stars over its head -- this signifies that when the white man came to this country, it was bad luck for the Indians, bad luck for the trees, bad luck for the wildlife, and lights out for the American eagle."
- Johnny Carson
...Democracy is welcoming people from other lands, and giving them something to hold onto -- usually a mop or a leaf blower. It means that with proper timing and scrupulous bookkeeping, anyone can die owing the government a huge amount of money.
... Democracy means free television, not good television, but free. ...
And finally, democracy is the eagle on the back of a dollar bill, with 13 arrows in one claw, 13 leaves on a branch, 13 tail feathers, and 13 stars over its head -- this signifies that when the white man came to this country, it was bad luck for the Indians, bad luck for the trees, bad luck for the wildlife, and lights out for the American eagle."
- Johnny Carson
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