The Pretty Bride

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry an extraordinarily beautiful woman so they could produce gorgeous children beyond compare. With that as his mission he began to search for the perfect woman. Shortly thereafter he met a Redneck who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the Redneck and asked for permission to marry one of them. "Well," the Redneck simply replied, "they're all lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Why don't you look 'em over and pick the one you want?" The man was ecstatic, and decided to take each one out to dinner to size them all up. The first night he dated the first daughter. The next day the Redneck asked for the man's opinion. "Well," said the man, "she's just a wee bit -- not that you can hardly notice -- pigeon-toed." The Redneck nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter. The next day, the Redneck again asked how things went. "Well," the man replied, "she's just a wee bit -- not that you can hardly tell -- cross-eyed." The Redneck nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did. The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect! She's the one I want to marry." The redneck gave his blessing, so the couple was wed immediately. Months later their first baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law and asked how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents. "Well," explained the Redneck, "she was just a wee bit -- not that you could hardly tell -- pregnant when you met her."

A Marvelous Instrument

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I be glad to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

She nodded and accepted the risk. "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.

The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer was rather strange, so he asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

It took a moment for the customs man to absorb the statement, but once he did he had a hard time keeping a straight face as he called out, "Next!"

The Navy Invented Sex

A Marine and a sailor were sitting in a bar one day arguing over which was the superior service. After a swig of beer the Marine says, 'Well, we had Iwo Jima.' Arching his eyebrows, the sailor replies, 'We had the Battle of Midway. 'Not entirely true', responded the Marine. 'Some of those pilots were Marines, in fact, Henderson Field on Guadalcanal was named after a Marine pilot killed at the Battle of Midway.' The sailor responds, 'Point taken.' The Marine then says, 'We Marines were born at Tunn Tavern!' The sailor, nodding agreement, says, 'But we had John Paul Jones.' The argument continued until the sailor comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says...... 'The Navy invented sex!' The Marine replies, 'That is true, but it was the Marines who introduced it to women.'