A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their order.
The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich.
"What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man.
"Same for me," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be $12.62."
Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say!"
Thursday, December 25, 2014
Friday, October 31, 2014
Minnesota Vikings Jokes
Q. How do the Vikings count to 10?
A. 0-1, 0-2, 0-3, 0-4, 0-5, 0-6, 0-7, 0-8, 0-9, 0-10
A. 0-1, 0-2, 0-3, 0-4, 0-5, 0-6, 0-7, 0-8, 0-9, 0-10
Q. How do you keep a Viking out of your yard?
A. Put up goal posts!
A. Put up goal posts!
Q. Where do you go in Minneapolis in case of a tornado?
A. To the Metrodome - there's never a touchdown!
A. To the Metrodome - there's never a touchdown!
Q. What do you call a Viking with a Super Bowl ring?
A. A thief!
A. A thief!
Q. Why doesn't St. Paul have a professional football team?
A. Because then Minneapolis would want one!
A. Because then Minneapolis would want one!
Q. What's the difference between the Vikings and a dollar bill?
A. You can still get four quarters out of a dollar!
A. You can still get four quarters out of a dollar!
Q. How many Vikings does it take to win a SuperBowl?
A. Nobody knows!
A. Nobody knows!
Q. What do the Vikings and possums have in common?
A. Both play dead at home and get killed on the road!
A. Both play dead at home and get killed on the road!
Sunday, October 5, 2014
Great Answers
Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?A.. Keep it in the cow.
Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)?
A.. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity.� The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O,U (WTF)
Q. What is the fibula?
A.. A small lie.
Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A.. Nearby.
Q. What is the most common form of birth control?
A.. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A.. The caesarean section is a district in Rome.
Q. What is a seizure?
Julius Seizure, ( came, I saw, I had a fit)
Q. What is a terminal illness?
A. When you are sick at the airport.
Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A.. Benign is what you will be after you be eight
Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)?
A.. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity.� The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O,U (WTF)
Q. What is the fibula?
A.. A small lie.
Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A.. Nearby.
Q. What is the most common form of birth control?
A.. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A.. The caesarean section is a district in Rome.
Q. What is a seizure?
Julius Seizure, ( came, I saw, I had a fit)
Q. What is a terminal illness?
A. When you are sick at the airport.
Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A.. Benign is what you will be after you be eight
Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Friday, July 18, 2014
The Last Rite
The priest was preparing a man for his long day's journey into night. Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the Devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!" The dying man said nothing. The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing. The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the Devil and his evil?" The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody!"
Tuesday, July 15, 2014
Confucius Said
Confucius say, virginity like bubble. One prick - all gone.
Confucius say, panties not best thing on earth, but next to it.
Confucius say, it take many nail to build crib, one screw to fill it.
Confucius say, if you want pretty nurse, you got to be patient.
Confucius say, man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day long.
Confucius say, man who run before bus get tired.
Confucius say, man who run behind bus get exhausted.
Confucius say, man with tool in woman's mouth not necessarily dentist.
Confucius say, sex is like the army, the closer you are to discharge, the better you feel.
Confucius say, man who run through airport turnstile backward going to Bangkok.
Confucius say, squirrel lay on rock and crack nuts, man lay on crack and rock nuts.
Confucius say, man who fart in church, sit in own pew.
Confucius say, man who lay woman on ground, get piece on earth.
Confucius say, man who snort coke, get bubbles up nose.
Confucius say, man who masturbate, only screwing himself.
Confucius say, man piss in wind, wind piss back.
Confucius say, man who eat too many prunes, get good run for money.
Confucius say, man who finger girl having period get caught red handed.
Confucius say, man who go to bed with itchy butt wake up with smelly fingers.
Confucius say, woman who go camping must beware of evil intent.
Confucius say, man who have last laugh, not get joke
Confucius say, panties not best thing on earth, but next to it.
Confucius say, it take many nail to build crib, one screw to fill it.
Confucius say, if you want pretty nurse, you got to be patient.
Confucius say, man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day long.
Confucius say, man who run before bus get tired.
Confucius say, man who run behind bus get exhausted.
Confucius say, man with tool in woman's mouth not necessarily dentist.
Confucius say, sex is like the army, the closer you are to discharge, the better you feel.
Confucius say, man who run through airport turnstile backward going to Bangkok.
Confucius say, squirrel lay on rock and crack nuts, man lay on crack and rock nuts.
Confucius say, man who fart in church, sit in own pew.
Confucius say, man who lay woman on ground, get piece on earth.
Confucius say, man who snort coke, get bubbles up nose.
Confucius say, man who masturbate, only screwing himself.
Confucius say, man piss in wind, wind piss back.
Confucius say, man who eat too many prunes, get good run for money.
Confucius say, man who finger girl having period get caught red handed.
Confucius say, man who go to bed with itchy butt wake up with smelly fingers.
Confucius say, woman who go camping must beware of evil intent.
Confucius say, man who have last laugh, not get joke
Friday, July 4, 2014
The Horny Old Woman
A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.
Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, stuttering she asks the sales clerk, “Dddooo youuuu hhhave dddddiilllldosss?”
The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies, “Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models.”
The old woman then asks, “Dddddoooo yyyouuuu ccaarrryy aaa pppinkk onnee, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt ttwoo inchesss ththiickk…aaand rrunns by bbaatteries?”
The clerk responds, “Yes we do.”
She asks, “Ddddooo yyoooouuuu kknnnoooww hhhowww tttooo Ttturrrnnn ttthe ssuma aaffabbiiiitttccchh offffff?”
Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, stuttering she asks the sales clerk, “Dddooo youuuu hhhave dddddiilllldosss?”
The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies, “Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models.”
The old woman then asks, “Dddddoooo yyyouuuu ccaarrryy aaa pppinkk onnee, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt ttwoo inchesss ththiickk…aaand rrunns by bbaatteries?”
The clerk responds, “Yes we do.”
She asks, “Ddddooo yyoooouuuu kknnnoooww hhhowww tttooo Ttturrrnnn ttthe ssuma aaffabbiiiitttccchh offffff?”
Monday, June 16, 2014
What Really Pissed Him Off!
Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender, "I'm so pissed off!"
"Oh yeah? What happened?" asked the bartender politely.
"Oh yeah? What happened?" asked the bartender politely.
After and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender, "I'm so pissed off!"
"Oh yeah? What happened?" asked the bartender politely.
“See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love when her god damned husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my fingernails!"
“Gee, that's tough!" commiserated the bartender.
"Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated," the customer went on. "When her husband came into the room he said 'Hey great! You're naked already! Let me just take a leak.' And damned if the lazy son of a bitch didn't piss out the window right onto my head?"
"Yeech!" the bartender shook his head. "No wonder you're in a lousy mood."
"Yeah, but I haven't told you what really, really got to me. Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished, the husband tossed his condom out of the window. And where does it land? My damned forehead!"
"Damn, that really is a drag!" says the bartender.
"Oh, I'm not finished. See what really pissed me off was when the husband had to take a dump. It turns out that their toilet is broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose right on my head!"
The bartender paled. "That would sure mess up my day."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah," the fellow rattled on, "but do you know what REALLY, REALLY, REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and saw that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!!"
Wednesday, May 14, 2014
Loud Sex and Quiet Sex
LOUD SEX:A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and myhusband climaxes, he lets out this earsplitting yell."
"My dear," the shrink said,"that's completely natural. I don't seewhat the problem is."
"The problem is,"she complained, "It wakes me up!"
QUIET SEX:Tired of a listless sex life, the mancame right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session,"How come you never tell me whenyou have an orgasm?"
She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"
"My dear," the shrink said,"that's completely natural. I don't seewhat the problem is."
"The problem is,"she complained, "It wakes me up!"
QUIET SEX:Tired of a listless sex life, the mancame right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session,"How come you never tell me whenyou have an orgasm?"
She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"
Friday, April 25, 2014
Examples of Job Designations
Project Manager is a Person who thinks nine women can deliver a baby in One month.
Developer is a Person who thinks it will take 18 months to deliver a Baby.
Onsite Coordinator is one who thinks single woman can deliver nine babies in one month.
Client is the one who doesn't know why he wants a baby.
Marketing Manager is a person who thinks he can deliver a baby even if no man and woman are available.
Resource Optimization Team thinks they don't need a man or woman; they'll produce a child with zero resources.
Documentation Team thinks they don't care whether the child is delivered, they'll just document 9 months.
Quality Auditor is the person who is never happy with a delivered baby.
Tester is a person who always tells that this is not the Right baby.
HR Manager is a person who thinks that... a Donkey can deliver a Human Baby - if given 9 Months !!!
Thursday, February 13, 2014
The Deer Hunt
It was Sunday morning when Bill, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go nail the first deer of the season.
He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he finds his wife, Judy, sitting there, fully decked out in camouflage overalls.
Bill asks her, "Ummm, What are you up to?"
Judy smiles, "I'm going hunting with you!"
Bill, though he had many reservations about this, reluctantly decides to take her along. Two hours later they arrive at a game preserve just outside the city.
Bill sets his overly anxious wife up safely in the deer stand and tells her, "If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot."
Bill walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Judy couldn't bag an elephant.... much less a deer. Not fifteen minutes pass when he is startled as he hears a breakout of gunshots. Quickly, Bill starts running back.
As Bill gets closer to her stand, he hears Judy screaming, "Get away from my damn deer!"
Confused and frightened Bill races faster towards his screaming wife.
And again he hears her scream, "Get away from my fucking deer now!" followed by another volley of gunfire!
Now, within sight of where he had left his wife, Bill is surprised to see a Texas cowboy, with his hands high in the air.
The cowboy, obviously distraught, says, "Okay, lady! You can have your fucking deer! Just let me get my saddle off it!"
He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he finds his wife, Judy, sitting there, fully decked out in camouflage overalls.
Bill asks her, "Ummm, What are you up to?"
Judy smiles, "I'm going hunting with you!"
Bill, though he had many reservations about this, reluctantly decides to take her along. Two hours later they arrive at a game preserve just outside the city.
Bill sets his overly anxious wife up safely in the deer stand and tells her, "If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot."
Bill walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Judy couldn't bag an elephant.... much less a deer. Not fifteen minutes pass when he is startled as he hears a breakout of gunshots. Quickly, Bill starts running back.
As Bill gets closer to her stand, he hears Judy screaming, "Get away from my damn deer!"
Confused and frightened Bill races faster towards his screaming wife.
And again he hears her scream, "Get away from my fucking deer now!" followed by another volley of gunfire!
Now, within sight of where he had left his wife, Bill is surprised to see a Texas cowboy, with his hands high in the air.
The cowboy, obviously distraught, says, "Okay, lady! You can have your fucking deer! Just let me get my saddle off it!"
Sunday, January 19, 2014
The Helpful Woman
A dad walks into a market with his young son. The kid is holding a quarter.
Suddenly, the boy starts choking and gasping for breath.
The dad realizes the boy has swallowed the coin and starts panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee stand was reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.
At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her down on the table, neatly folds the newspaper, places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the market.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's balls and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the coin, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy, she hands the coin to the father and walks back to her coffee without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"
"No," the woman replied, "I work for the Internal Revenue Service."
Suddenly, the boy starts choking and gasping for breath.
The dad realizes the boy has swallowed the coin and starts panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee stand was reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.
At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her down on the table, neatly folds the newspaper, places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the market.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's balls and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the coin, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy, she hands the coin to the father and walks back to her coffee without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"
"No," the woman replied, "I work for the Internal Revenue Service."
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