… your twin sister forgets your birthday.
… you wake up face down on the pavement.
… you put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
… you call suicide prevention and they put you on hold.
… you see a “60 Minutes news team” waiting in your outer office.
… your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
… your only son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind her own business.
… you want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party, and there aren’t any.
… you turn on the TV news and they’re displaying emergency routes out of your city.
Wednesday, October 2, 2013
Sunday, September 22, 2013
Psychiatrist to the Rescue
A mother, visiting a department store, took her son to the toy department. Spying a gigantic rocking horse the boy climbed up on it and rocked back and forth for almost an hour.
"Come on, Son," the mother pleaded. "I have to get home to get father's dinner."
The little lad refused to budge, and all her efforts were unavailing. The department manager also tried to coax the little fellow without meeting with any success.
Eventually, in desperation they called the store's psychiatrist. Gently he walked over and whispered a few words in the boy's ear, and immediately the lad jumped off and ran to his mother's side.
"How did you do it?" the mother asked incredibly. "What did you say to him?"
The psychiatrist hesitated for a moment, then said, "All I said was, `If you don't jump off that rocking horse at once, son, I'll knock the stuffing out of you!'"
"Come on, Son," the mother pleaded. "I have to get home to get father's dinner."
The little lad refused to budge, and all her efforts were unavailing. The department manager also tried to coax the little fellow without meeting with any success.
Eventually, in desperation they called the store's psychiatrist. Gently he walked over and whispered a few words in the boy's ear, and immediately the lad jumped off and ran to his mother's side.
"How did you do it?" the mother asked incredibly. "What did you say to him?"
The psychiatrist hesitated for a moment, then said, "All I said was, `If you don't jump off that rocking horse at once, son, I'll knock the stuffing out of you!'"
Monday, September 9, 2013
The $2000 Parrot
A man entered a pet shop, wanting to buy a parrot.
The shop owner pointed out three identical parrots on a perch and said, “The parrot to the left costs 500 dollars.”
“Why does that parrot cost so much?” the man wondered.
The owner replied, “Well, it knows how to use a computer.”
The man asked about the next parrot on the perch.
“That one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do, plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system.”
Naturally, the startled customer asked about the third parrot.
“That one costs 2,000 dollars.”
“And what does that one do?” the man asked.
The owner replied, “To be honest, I’ve never seen him do a thing, but the other two call him boss!”
The shop owner pointed out three identical parrots on a perch and said, “The parrot to the left costs 500 dollars.”
“Why does that parrot cost so much?” the man wondered.
The owner replied, “Well, it knows how to use a computer.”
The man asked about the next parrot on the perch.
“That one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do, plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system.”
Naturally, the startled customer asked about the third parrot.
“That one costs 2,000 dollars.”
“And what does that one do?” the man asked.
The owner replied, “To be honest, I’ve never seen him do a thing, but the other two call him boss!”
Thursday, September 5, 2013
Big-Mouthed Jim
The phone rang at the motor pool and an authoritative voice demanded to know how many vehicles were operational.
Jim answered, ''We've got twelve trucks, ten utilities, three staff cars and that Cadillac the fat-assed colonel rides around in.''
There was a stony silence for a second or two.
''Do you know who you are speaking to?''
''No,'' said Jim.
''It is the so-called fat-assed colonel you so insubordinately referred to.''
''Well, do you know who you are talking to?''
''No,'' roared the colonel.
''Well thank goodness for that,'' said Jim as he hung up the phone.
Jim answered, ''We've got twelve trucks, ten utilities, three staff cars and that Cadillac the fat-assed colonel rides around in.''
There was a stony silence for a second or two.
''Do you know who you are speaking to?''
''No,'' said Jim.
''It is the so-called fat-assed colonel you so insubordinately referred to.''
''Well, do you know who you are talking to?''
''No,'' roared the colonel.
''Well thank goodness for that,'' said Jim as he hung up the phone.
Friday, August 30, 2013
I'd Like to Be Six Again!
A man asked his wife what she'd like for her 40th birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop,HHH the Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Happy Meal along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then, it was off to a movie - the latest Disney and what a fabulous adventure!
Finally, she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?" One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size." The moral of this story is: When a woman speaks and a man is actually listening, he will still get it wrong.
Finally, she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?" One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size." The moral of this story is: When a woman speaks and a man is actually listening, he will still get it wrong.
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
The Stolen Horse
One fine day at an Oklahoma saloon, a cowboy ties his horse to the hitching rail and goes in to the bar. He orders a whisky and proceeds to drink it. Some time and several more drinks later, the cowboy leaves the saloon to find that his horse has been stolen.
He calmly walks back into the saloon, draws his pistol and holds it pointed at the ceiling, and proclaims in a loud voice "Someone in this godforsaken place has stolen my horse. This happened to me once before, back in Texas." Lowering the pitch of his voice, but not losing any volume, he continued "And I DON'T wanna hafta do what I done back in Texas. I'm gonna have one more drink, and my horse better be back when I'm done."
True to his word, the cowboy holsters his pistol and orders one more drink, and when he finishes it he leaves the saloon to find his horse tied to the rail. He checks his saddle bags and satisfied that nothing is missing, he proceeds to mount up. As he's preparing to ride away, one brave witness from inside the bar steps up and says "I gotta know - what did you do back in Texas when this happened before?"
The cowboy shrugs and says "I hadda walk home."
He calmly walks back into the saloon, draws his pistol and holds it pointed at the ceiling, and proclaims in a loud voice "Someone in this godforsaken place has stolen my horse. This happened to me once before, back in Texas." Lowering the pitch of his voice, but not losing any volume, he continued "And I DON'T wanna hafta do what I done back in Texas. I'm gonna have one more drink, and my horse better be back when I'm done."
True to his word, the cowboy holsters his pistol and orders one more drink, and when he finishes it he leaves the saloon to find his horse tied to the rail. He checks his saddle bags and satisfied that nothing is missing, he proceeds to mount up. As he's preparing to ride away, one brave witness from inside the bar steps up and says "I gotta know - what did you do back in Texas when this happened before?"
The cowboy shrugs and says "I hadda walk home."
Saturday, July 13, 2013
Oh, My God!
An old man was on the beach and walked up to a beautiful girl in a bikini - "I want to feel your breasts" he exclaimed.
"Get away from me, you crazy old man" she replied.
"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you twenty dollars," he says.
"Twenty dollars, are you nuts!? Get away from me!"
"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS" he stated.
"NO! Get away from me!"
"TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS" he offered.
She paused to think about it, but then comes to her senses and says, "I said NO!"
"FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS if you let me feel your breasts," he exclaimed.
She thought, well he is old, and he seems harmless enough... and $500 IS a lot of money... "Well, OK... but only for a minute."
She loosened her bikini top and while both are standing there on the beach, he slid his hands underneath and began to feel... then he started saying, "OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD..." while he was caressing them.
Out of curiosity, she asked him, "Why do you keep saying, 'Oh my god, oh my god'?"
While continuing to feel her breasts he answered, "OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD, where am I ever going to get five hundred dollars?"
"Get away from me, you crazy old man" she replied.
"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you twenty dollars," he says.
"Twenty dollars, are you nuts!? Get away from me!"
"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS" he stated.
"NO! Get away from me!"
"TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS" he offered.
She paused to think about it, but then comes to her senses and says, "I said NO!"
"FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS if you let me feel your breasts," he exclaimed.
She thought, well he is old, and he seems harmless enough... and $500 IS a lot of money... "Well, OK... but only for a minute."
She loosened her bikini top and while both are standing there on the beach, he slid his hands underneath and began to feel... then he started saying, "OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD..." while he was caressing them.
Out of curiosity, she asked him, "Why do you keep saying, 'Oh my god, oh my god'?"
While continuing to feel her breasts he answered, "OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD, where am I ever going to get five hundred dollars?"
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