The Horny Old Woman

A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.

Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, stuttering she asks the sales clerk, “Dddooo youuuu hhhave dddddiilllldosss?”

The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies, “Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models.”

The old woman then asks, “Dddddoooo yyyouuuu ccaarrryy aaa pppinkk onnee, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt ttwoo inchesss ththiickk…aaand rrunns by bbaatteries?”

The clerk responds, “Yes we do.”

She asks, “Ddddooo yyoooouuuu kknnnoooww hhhowww tttooo Ttturrrnnn ttthe ssuma aaffabbiiiitttccchh offffff?”

What Really Pissed Him Off!

Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender, "I'm so pissed off!"

"Oh yeah? What happened?" asked the bartender politely.

After and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender, "I'm so pissed off!"

"Oh yeah? What happened?" asked the bartender politely.
“See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love when her god damned husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my fingernails!"


“Gee, that's tough!" commiserated the bartender.

"Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated," the customer went on. "When her husband came into the room he said 'Hey great! You're naked already! Let me just take a leak.' And damned if the lazy son of a bitch didn't piss out the window right onto my head?"

"Yeech!" the bartender shook his head. "No wonder you're in a lousy mood."


"Yeah, but I haven't told you what really, really got to me. Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished, the husband tossed his condom out of the window. And where does it land? My damned forehead!"


"Damn, that really is a drag!" says the bartender.

"Oh, I'm not finished. See what really pissed me off was when the husband had to take a dump. It turns out that their toilet is broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose right on my head!"

The bartender paled. "That would sure mess up my day."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," the fellow rattled on, "but do you know what REALLY, REALLY, REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and saw that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!!"

Loud Sex and Quiet Sex

LOUD SEX:A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and myhusband climaxes, he lets out this earsplitting yell."
"My dear," the shrink said,"that's completely natural. I don't seewhat the problem is."
"The problem is,"she complained, "It wakes me up!"

QUIET SEX:Tired of a listless sex life, the mancame right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session,"How come you never tell me whenyou have an orgasm?"


She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"

Examples of Job Designations

Project Manager is a Person who thinks nine women can deliver a baby in One month.

Developer is a Person who thinks it will take 18 months to deliver a Baby.

Onsite Coordinator is one who thinks single woman can deliver nine babies in one month.

Client is the one who doesn't know why he wants a baby.

Marketing Manager is a person who thinks he can deliver a baby even if no man and woman are available.

Resource Optimization Team thinks they don't need a man or woman; they'll produce a child with zero resources.

Documentation Team thinks they don't care whether the child is delivered, they'll just document 9 months.

Quality Auditor is the person who is never happy with a delivered baby.

Tester is a person who always tells that this is not the Right baby.

HR Manager is a person who thinks that... a Donkey can deliver a Human Baby - if given 9 Months !!!

The Deer Hunt

It was Sunday morning when Bill, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go nail the first deer of the season.

He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he finds his wife, Judy, sitting there, fully decked out in camouflage overalls.

Bill asks her, "Ummm, What are you up to?"

Judy smiles, "I'm going hunting with you!"

Bill, though he had many reservations about this, reluctantly decides to take her along. Two hours later they arrive at a game preserve just outside the city.

Bill sets his overly anxious wife up safely in the deer stand and tells her, "If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot."

Bill walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Judy couldn't bag an elephant.... much less a deer. Not fifteen minutes pass when he is startled as he hears a breakout of gunshots. Quickly, Bill starts running back.

As Bill gets closer to her stand, he hears Judy screaming, "Get away from my damn deer!"

Confused and frightened Bill races faster towards his screaming wife.

And again he hears her scream, "Get away from my fucking deer now!" followed by another volley of gunfire!

Now, within sight of where he had left his wife, Bill is surprised to see a Texas cowboy, with his hands high in the air.

The cowboy, obviously distraught, says, "Okay, lady! You can have your fucking deer! Just let me get my saddle off it!"

The Helpful Woman

A dad walks into a market with his young son. The kid is holding a quarter.
 
Suddenly, the boy starts choking and gasping for breath.
   
The dad realizes the boy has swallowed the coin and starts panicking, shouting for help.
 
A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee stand was reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.   
 
At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her down on the table, neatly folds the newspaper, places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the market.
 
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's balls and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the coin, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy, she hands the coin to the father and walks back to her coffee without saying a word.
 
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"   
     
"No," the woman replied, "I work for the Internal Revenue Service."

Never Felt Better!

There was a man driving a pickup truck down a country road, when suddenly he was broad sided by a trailer truck. Some time went by, and the case got to court. The defense attorney said to the plaintiff,

"How can you be suing my client now when you told a trooper after the accident that you felt fine?"

The man replied,

"Well sir, it was like this. We was drivin' down the road, mindin' our own business, when a big trailer truck came out of nowhere and creamed us. When I came to, I was in the ditch, and a trooper was pullin' up with his car. He looked at the hogs, and they was 'most dead, so he shot 'em. Then he looked at my dog, and he was hurt real bad, so he shot him. Then he came over to me and he said, 'How you feeling?'"

"I said, I never felt better in my life."