The Last Rite

The priest was preparing a man for his long day's journey into night. Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the Devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!" The dying man said nothing. The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing. The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the Devil and his evil?" The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody!"

Confucius Said

Confucius say, virginity like bubble. One prick - all gone.

Confucius say, panties not best thing on earth, but next to it.

Confucius say, it take many nail to build crib, one screw to fill it.

Confucius say, if you want pretty nurse, you got to be patient.

Confucius say, man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day long.

Confucius say, man who run before bus get tired.

Confucius say, man who run behind bus get exhausted.

Confucius say, man with tool in woman's mouth not necessarily dentist.

Confucius say, sex is like the army, the closer you are to discharge, the better you feel.

Confucius say, man who run through airport turnstile backward going to Bangkok.

Confucius say, squirrel lay on rock and crack nuts, man lay on crack and rock nuts.

Confucius say, man who fart in church, sit in own pew.

Confucius say, man who lay woman on ground, get piece on earth.

Confucius say, man who snort coke, get bubbles up nose.

Confucius say, man who masturbate, only screwing himself.

Confucius say, man piss in wind, wind piss back.

Confucius say, man who eat too many prunes, get good run for money.

Confucius say, man who finger girl having period get caught red handed.

Confucius say, man who go to bed with itchy butt wake up with smelly fingers.

Confucius say, woman who go camping must beware of evil intent.

Confucius say, man who have last laugh, not get joke

The Horny Old Woman

A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.

Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, stuttering she asks the sales clerk, “Dddooo youuuu hhhave dddddiilllldosss?”

The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies, “Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models.”

The old woman then asks, “Dddddoooo yyyouuuu ccaarrryy aaa pppinkk onnee, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt ttwoo inchesss ththiickk…aaand rrunns by bbaatteries?”

The clerk responds, “Yes we do.”

She asks, “Ddddooo yyoooouuuu kknnnoooww hhhowww tttooo Ttturrrnnn ttthe ssuma aaffabbiiiitttccchh offffff?”

What Really Pissed Him Off!

Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender, "I'm so pissed off!"

"Oh yeah? What happened?" asked the bartender politely.

After and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender, "I'm so pissed off!"

"Oh yeah? What happened?" asked the bartender politely.
“See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love when her god damned husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my fingernails!"


“Gee, that's tough!" commiserated the bartender.

"Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated," the customer went on. "When her husband came into the room he said 'Hey great! You're naked already! Let me just take a leak.' And damned if the lazy son of a bitch didn't piss out the window right onto my head?"

"Yeech!" the bartender shook his head. "No wonder you're in a lousy mood."


"Yeah, but I haven't told you what really, really got to me. Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished, the husband tossed his condom out of the window. And where does it land? My damned forehead!"


"Damn, that really is a drag!" says the bartender.

"Oh, I'm not finished. See what really pissed me off was when the husband had to take a dump. It turns out that their toilet is broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose right on my head!"

The bartender paled. "That would sure mess up my day."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," the fellow rattled on, "but do you know what REALLY, REALLY, REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and saw that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!!"

Loud Sex and Quiet Sex

LOUD SEX:A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and myhusband climaxes, he lets out this earsplitting yell."
"My dear," the shrink said,"that's completely natural. I don't seewhat the problem is."
"The problem is,"she complained, "It wakes me up!"

QUIET SEX:Tired of a listless sex life, the mancame right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session,"How come you never tell me whenyou have an orgasm?"


She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"

Examples of Job Designations

Project Manager is a Person who thinks nine women can deliver a baby in One month.

Developer is a Person who thinks it will take 18 months to deliver a Baby.

Onsite Coordinator is one who thinks single woman can deliver nine babies in one month.

Client is the one who doesn't know why he wants a baby.

Marketing Manager is a person who thinks he can deliver a baby even if no man and woman are available.

Resource Optimization Team thinks they don't need a man or woman; they'll produce a child with zero resources.

Documentation Team thinks they don't care whether the child is delivered, they'll just document 9 months.

Quality Auditor is the person who is never happy with a delivered baby.

Tester is a person who always tells that this is not the Right baby.

HR Manager is a person who thinks that... a Donkey can deliver a Human Baby - if given 9 Months !!!

The Deer Hunt

It was Sunday morning when Bill, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go nail the first deer of the season.

He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he finds his wife, Judy, sitting there, fully decked out in camouflage overalls.

Bill asks her, "Ummm, What are you up to?"

Judy smiles, "I'm going hunting with you!"

Bill, though he had many reservations about this, reluctantly decides to take her along. Two hours later they arrive at a game preserve just outside the city.

Bill sets his overly anxious wife up safely in the deer stand and tells her, "If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot."

Bill walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Judy couldn't bag an elephant.... much less a deer. Not fifteen minutes pass when he is startled as he hears a breakout of gunshots. Quickly, Bill starts running back.

As Bill gets closer to her stand, he hears Judy screaming, "Get away from my damn deer!"

Confused and frightened Bill races faster towards his screaming wife.

And again he hears her scream, "Get away from my fucking deer now!" followed by another volley of gunfire!

Now, within sight of where he had left his wife, Bill is surprised to see a Texas cowboy, with his hands high in the air.

The cowboy, obviously distraught, says, "Okay, lady! You can have your fucking deer! Just let me get my saddle off it!"