Minnesota Vikings Jokes

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Q. How do the Vikings count to 10?
A. 0-1, 0-2, 0-3, 0-4, 0-5, 0-6, 0-7, 0-8, 0-9, 0-10

Q. How do you keep a Viking out of your yard?
A. Put up goal posts!

Q. Where do you go in Minneapolis in case of a tornado?
A. To the Metrodome - there's never a touchdown!

Q. What do you call a Viking with a Super Bowl ring?
A. A thief!

Q. Why doesn't St. Paul have a professional football team?
A. Because then Minneapolis would want one!

Q. What's the difference between the Vikings and a dollar bill?
A. You can still get four quarters out of a dollar!

Q. How many Vikings does it take to win a SuperBowl?
A. Nobody knows!

Q. What do the Vikings and possums have in common?
A. Both play dead at home and get killed on the road!

Great Answers

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?A.. Keep it in the cow.

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)?
A.. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity.� The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O,U (WTF)

Q. What is the fibula?
A.. A small lie.

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A.. Nearby.

Q. What is the most common form of birth control?
A.. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A.. The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q. What is a seizure?
Julius Seizure,  ( came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness?
A. When you are sick at the airport.

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A.. Benign is what you will be after you be eight

 Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

The Last Rite

The priest was preparing a man for his long day's journey into night. Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the Devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!" The dying man said nothing. The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing. The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the Devil and his evil?" The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody!"

Confucius Said

Confucius say, virginity like bubble. One prick - all gone.

Confucius say, panties not best thing on earth, but next to it.

Confucius say, it take many nail to build crib, one screw to fill it.

Confucius say, if you want pretty nurse, you got to be patient.

Confucius say, man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day long.

Confucius say, man who run before bus get tired.

Confucius say, man who run behind bus get exhausted.

Confucius say, man with tool in woman's mouth not necessarily dentist.

Confucius say, sex is like the army, the closer you are to discharge, the better you feel.

Confucius say, man who run through airport turnstile backward going to Bangkok.

Confucius say, squirrel lay on rock and crack nuts, man lay on crack and rock nuts.

Confucius say, man who fart in church, sit in own pew.

Confucius say, man who lay woman on ground, get piece on earth.

Confucius say, man who snort coke, get bubbles up nose.

Confucius say, man who masturbate, only screwing himself.

Confucius say, man piss in wind, wind piss back.

Confucius say, man who eat too many prunes, get good run for money.

Confucius say, man who finger girl having period get caught red handed.

Confucius say, man who go to bed with itchy butt wake up with smelly fingers.

Confucius say, woman who go camping must beware of evil intent.

Confucius say, man who have last laugh, not get joke

The Horny Old Woman

A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.

Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, stuttering she asks the sales clerk, “Dddooo youuuu hhhave dddddiilllldosss?”

The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies, “Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models.”

The old woman then asks, “Dddddoooo yyyouuuu ccaarrryy aaa pppinkk onnee, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt ttwoo inchesss ththiickk…aaand rrunns by bbaatteries?”

The clerk responds, “Yes we do.”

She asks, “Ddddooo yyoooouuuu kknnnoooww hhhowww tttooo Ttturrrnnn ttthe ssuma aaffabbiiiitttccchh offffff?”

What Really Pissed Him Off!

Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender, "I'm so pissed off!"

"Oh yeah? What happened?" asked the bartender politely.

After and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender, "I'm so pissed off!"

"Oh yeah? What happened?" asked the bartender politely.
“See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love when her god damned husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my fingernails!"


“Gee, that's tough!" commiserated the bartender.

"Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated," the customer went on. "When her husband came into the room he said 'Hey great! You're naked already! Let me just take a leak.' And damned if the lazy son of a bitch didn't piss out the window right onto my head?"

"Yeech!" the bartender shook his head. "No wonder you're in a lousy mood."


"Yeah, but I haven't told you what really, really got to me. Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished, the husband tossed his condom out of the window. And where does it land? My damned forehead!"


"Damn, that really is a drag!" says the bartender.

"Oh, I'm not finished. See what really pissed me off was when the husband had to take a dump. It turns out that their toilet is broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose right on my head!"

The bartender paled. "That would sure mess up my day."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," the fellow rattled on, "but do you know what REALLY, REALLY, REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and saw that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!!"

Loud Sex and Quiet Sex

LOUD SEX:A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and myhusband climaxes, he lets out this earsplitting yell."
"My dear," the shrink said,"that's completely natural. I don't seewhat the problem is."
"The problem is,"she complained, "It wakes me up!"

QUIET SEX:Tired of a listless sex life, the mancame right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session,"How come you never tell me whenyou have an orgasm?"


She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"