What Are Men Like?

Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt.

Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy.

The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

What are men like? Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to enjoy with dinner.

Ostrich Story

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their order.

The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich.

"What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

 This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man.

 "Same for me," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be $12.62."

Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

 "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say!"

Minnesota Vikings Jokes

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Q. How do the Vikings count to 10?
A. 0-1, 0-2, 0-3, 0-4, 0-5, 0-6, 0-7, 0-8, 0-9, 0-10

Q. How do you keep a Viking out of your yard?
A. Put up goal posts!

Q. Where do you go in Minneapolis in case of a tornado?
A. To the Metrodome - there's never a touchdown!

Q. What do you call a Viking with a Super Bowl ring?
A. A thief!

Q. Why doesn't St. Paul have a professional football team?
A. Because then Minneapolis would want one!

Q. What's the difference between the Vikings and a dollar bill?
A. You can still get four quarters out of a dollar!

Q. How many Vikings does it take to win a SuperBowl?
A. Nobody knows!

Q. What do the Vikings and possums have in common?
A. Both play dead at home and get killed on the road!

Great Answers

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?A.. Keep it in the cow.

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)?
A.. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity.� The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O,U (WTF)

Q. What is the fibula?
A.. A small lie.

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A.. Nearby.

Q. What is the most common form of birth control?
A.. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A.. The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q. What is a seizure?
Julius Seizure,  ( came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness?
A. When you are sick at the airport.

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A.. Benign is what you will be after you be eight

 Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

The Last Rite

The priest was preparing a man for his long day's journey into night. Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the Devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!" The dying man said nothing. The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing. The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the Devil and his evil?" The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody!"

Confucius Said

Confucius say, virginity like bubble. One prick - all gone.

Confucius say, panties not best thing on earth, but next to it.

Confucius say, it take many nail to build crib, one screw to fill it.

Confucius say, if you want pretty nurse, you got to be patient.

Confucius say, man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day long.

Confucius say, man who run before bus get tired.

Confucius say, man who run behind bus get exhausted.

Confucius say, man with tool in woman's mouth not necessarily dentist.

Confucius say, sex is like the army, the closer you are to discharge, the better you feel.

Confucius say, man who run through airport turnstile backward going to Bangkok.

Confucius say, squirrel lay on rock and crack nuts, man lay on crack and rock nuts.

Confucius say, man who fart in church, sit in own pew.

Confucius say, man who lay woman on ground, get piece on earth.

Confucius say, man who snort coke, get bubbles up nose.

Confucius say, man who masturbate, only screwing himself.

Confucius say, man piss in wind, wind piss back.

Confucius say, man who eat too many prunes, get good run for money.

Confucius say, man who finger girl having period get caught red handed.

Confucius say, man who go to bed with itchy butt wake up with smelly fingers.

Confucius say, woman who go camping must beware of evil intent.

Confucius say, man who have last laugh, not get joke

The Horny Old Woman

A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.

Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, stuttering she asks the sales clerk, “Dddooo youuuu hhhave dddddiilllldosss?”

The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies, “Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models.”

The old woman then asks, “Dddddoooo yyyouuuu ccaarrryy aaa pppinkk onnee, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt ttwoo inchesss ththiickk…aaand rrunns by bbaatteries?”

The clerk responds, “Yes we do.”

She asks, “Ddddooo yyoooouuuu kknnnoooww hhhowww tttooo Ttturrrnnn ttthe ssuma aaffabbiiiitttccchh offffff?”