Thursday, November 5, 2015
Jewelry
A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. “Mother, where do babies come from?” The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.” The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?” “Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”
Sunday, July 19, 2015
If (You're a Stripper)
If you can keep your dignity when all about you
Are losing theirs and pretending its not true,
If you can avoid contact when all men want you,
But straight faced act like you want them too,
If you can force a smile and never tire of smiling
Or being fake, never believe the lies
Or being grabbed, never give way to slapping
And yet listening to dicks, just bat your eyes
If you can dance – and use it to men master
If you can flirt – and not fancy, play a game
If you can have nights o’ triumph and disaster
And come back to work just the same
If you can bear to hear some filth to you spoken
Uttered by fathers to get off on, the fools
Or watch brothers pretend they’ve just woken
And to our sisters, say they play by the rules
If you can make one big heap of cash earnings
And not think you won’t ever make a big loss
And save, and start again as if you’ve no savings
And never boast or act like the boss
If you can force your mind and body and sinew
To serve endless men like they’re the only one
And be a drunkard, when there’s not drop in you
Accept it’s a job and it’s a job to get done
If you can talk with rich men who have no virtue
Or sit with pricks – not attend to their crotch
If neither boss nor floor staff ever alert to you
If all the girls like you, but none too much
If you can stay how you feel this minute
With your innocent heart pure and head clear
Yours is the strip club and the cash that’s in it
And – which is more – you’re a stripper, my dear!
Are losing theirs and pretending its not true,
If you can avoid contact when all men want you,
But straight faced act like you want them too,
If you can force a smile and never tire of smiling
Or being fake, never believe the lies
Or being grabbed, never give way to slapping
And yet listening to dicks, just bat your eyes
If you can dance – and use it to men master
If you can flirt – and not fancy, play a game
If you can have nights o’ triumph and disaster
And come back to work just the same
If you can bear to hear some filth to you spoken
Uttered by fathers to get off on, the fools
Or watch brothers pretend they’ve just woken
And to our sisters, say they play by the rules
If you can make one big heap of cash earnings
And not think you won’t ever make a big loss
And save, and start again as if you’ve no savings
And never boast or act like the boss
If you can force your mind and body and sinew
To serve endless men like they’re the only one
And be a drunkard, when there’s not drop in you
Accept it’s a job and it’s a job to get done
If you can talk with rich men who have no virtue
Or sit with pricks – not attend to their crotch
If neither boss nor floor staff ever alert to you
If all the girls like you, but none too much
If you can stay how you feel this minute
With your innocent heart pure and head clear
Yours is the strip club and the cash that’s in it
And – which is more – you’re a stripper, my dear!
Thursday, April 2, 2015
Three Daughters
There were three daughters and they all wanted to get married but they couldn't afford it and neither could their parents.
So the parents said "We will give you all a joint wedding and then you will all be able to get married."
So they got married and all three daughters then said "I want a honeymoon but we can't afford it". The parents couldn't afford it either so they decided they would have the honeymoon at their parents house.
So on their honeymoon night their mother woke up and deiced to go downstairs and get a drink. On the way down she heard the first daughter screaming but she just ignored it. When she reached the second daughters bedroom she could hear laughing and just ignored it. When she reached the third daughters room she could hear nothing and decided to ignore it.
The next morning at the breakfast table she said to the first daughter "Why were you screaming?"
And the daughter replied "Well mother you told me to scream when something hurt."
Then the mother said to the second daughter "Why were you laughing last night?" and the daughter replied "Mother, you told me to laugh when something tickled."
Then the mother said to the last daughter "Why didn't I hear anything coming from your room last night?"
\\
The daughter replied "Well Mother, you told me never to talk with my mouth full".
So the parents said "We will give you all a joint wedding and then you will all be able to get married."
So they got married and all three daughters then said "I want a honeymoon but we can't afford it". The parents couldn't afford it either so they decided they would have the honeymoon at their parents house.
So on their honeymoon night their mother woke up and deiced to go downstairs and get a drink. On the way down she heard the first daughter screaming but she just ignored it. When she reached the second daughters bedroom she could hear laughing and just ignored it. When she reached the third daughters room she could hear nothing and decided to ignore it.
The next morning at the breakfast table she said to the first daughter "Why were you screaming?"
And the daughter replied "Well mother you told me to scream when something hurt."
Then the mother said to the second daughter "Why were you laughing last night?" and the daughter replied "Mother, you told me to laugh when something tickled."
Then the mother said to the last daughter "Why didn't I hear anything coming from your room last night?"
\\
The daughter replied "Well Mother, you told me never to talk with my mouth full".
Tuesday, January 6, 2015
What Are Men Like?
Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt.
Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy.
The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.
What are men like? Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to enjoy with dinner.
Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy.
The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.
What are men like? Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to enjoy with dinner.
Thursday, December 25, 2014
Ostrich Story
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their order.
The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich.
"What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man.
"Same for me," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be $12.62."
Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say!"
The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich.
"What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man.
"Same for me," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be $12.62."
Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say!"
Friday, October 31, 2014
Minnesota Vikings Jokes
Q. How do the Vikings count to 10?
A. 0-1, 0-2, 0-3, 0-4, 0-5, 0-6, 0-7, 0-8, 0-9, 0-10
A. 0-1, 0-2, 0-3, 0-4, 0-5, 0-6, 0-7, 0-8, 0-9, 0-10
Q. How do you keep a Viking out of your yard?
A. Put up goal posts!
A. Put up goal posts!
Q. Where do you go in Minneapolis in case of a tornado?
A. To the Metrodome - there's never a touchdown!
A. To the Metrodome - there's never a touchdown!
Q. What do you call a Viking with a Super Bowl ring?
A. A thief!
A. A thief!
Q. Why doesn't St. Paul have a professional football team?
A. Because then Minneapolis would want one!
A. Because then Minneapolis would want one!
Q. What's the difference between the Vikings and a dollar bill?
A. You can still get four quarters out of a dollar!
A. You can still get four quarters out of a dollar!
Q. How many Vikings does it take to win a SuperBowl?
A. Nobody knows!
A. Nobody knows!
Q. What do the Vikings and possums have in common?
A. Both play dead at home and get killed on the road!
A. Both play dead at home and get killed on the road!
Sunday, October 5, 2014
Great Answers
Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?A.. Keep it in the cow.
Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)?
A.. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity.� The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O,U (WTF)
Q. What is the fibula?
A.. A small lie.
Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A.. Nearby.
Q. What is the most common form of birth control?
A.. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A.. The caesarean section is a district in Rome.
Q. What is a seizure?
Julius Seizure, ( came, I saw, I had a fit)
Q. What is a terminal illness?
A. When you are sick at the airport.
Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A.. Benign is what you will be after you be eight
Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)?
A.. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity.� The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O,U (WTF)
Q. What is the fibula?
A.. A small lie.
Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A.. Nearby.
Q. What is the most common form of birth control?
A.. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A.. The caesarean section is a district in Rome.
Q. What is a seizure?
Julius Seizure, ( came, I saw, I had a fit)
Q. What is a terminal illness?
A. When you are sick at the airport.
Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A.. Benign is what you will be after you be eight
Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
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