The Helpful Woman

A dad walks into a market with his young son. The kid is holding a quarter.
 
Suddenly, the boy starts choking and gasping for breath.
   
The dad realizes the boy has swallowed the coin and starts panicking, shouting for help.
 
A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee stand was reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.   
 
At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her down on the table, neatly folds the newspaper, places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the market.
 
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's balls and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the coin, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy, she hands the coin to the father and walks back to her coffee without saying a word.
 
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"   
     
"No," the woman replied, "I work for the Internal Revenue Service."

Never Felt Better!

There was a man driving a pickup truck down a country road, when suddenly he was broad sided by a trailer truck. Some time went by, and the case got to court. The defense attorney said to the plaintiff,

"How can you be suing my client now when you told a trooper after the accident that you felt fine?"

The man replied,

"Well sir, it was like this. We was drivin' down the road, mindin' our own business, when a big trailer truck came out of nowhere and creamed us. When I came to, I was in the ditch, and a trooper was pullin' up with his car. He looked at the hogs, and they was 'most dead, so he shot 'em. Then he looked at my dog, and he was hurt real bad, so he shot him. Then he came over to me and he said, 'How you feeling?'"

"I said, I never felt better in my life."

The Three New Fathers

There were three fathers to be in a hospital waiting room, waiting for their babies to be born.

The first nurse comes out and tells the first father, “Congratulations you’re the father of twins!”

He says, “Great! I am the manager for the Minnesota Twins.”

The second nurse comes out and tells the second father, “Congratulations you’re the father of triplets”!

He says, “That’s cool! I work for 3M.”

The third father opens the window and jumps out.

The third nurse comes out, and asks, “Where’s the third father?”

One of the other fathers said, “Oh he jumped out the window.”

The nurse asks, “Why?”

He replied, “He works for Seven Up!”

Firefighting: A Mathematical Solution

An Engineering, a Physicist, and a Mathematician are staying in a hotel.

In the middle of the night, the fire alarm goes off. The Engineer is the first to wake. He runs out to the hall, sees a fire off in the distance, and gets to work. He runs back to his room, grabs his ice bucket, fills it with water, and runs quickly back to the hall to douse the flames.

Later, the alarm goes off again, this time waking the Physicist. The Physicist sees another fire in the hallway, runs back to retrieve the ice bucket, patiently fills it with just enough water put out the fire (keeping in mind the rate at which the fire spreads while he’s filling the bucket), walks carefully to just the right distance from the fire, and gently tosses the water from the bucket, forming a perfect arc and putting out the fire without a drop of excess water.

The fire alarm goes off a third time, and the Mathematician wakes up. He runs outside of his room, sees the fire in the hall, remembers the ice bucket in his room, thinks “Aha! A solution exists!” and goes back to sleep.

Emergency Brake

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop.

Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy.

Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home.

That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his balls. I consider that animal abuse. That's cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away!

Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop. Well, dear, what exactly did he say?

He said the reflector is broken.

I can fix that in two minutes. What else?

I'm not sure, Jacob ... something about the emergency brake...

Vouched For By a Dog

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation.

He wrote: I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well- groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?"

An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who wrote:

"I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel.

And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too.

Symptoms of a Bad Day

… your twin sister forgets your birthday.

… you wake up face down on the pavement.

… you put your bra on backwards and it fits better.

… you call suicide prevention and they put you on hold.

… you see a “60 Minutes news team” waiting in your outer office.

… your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.

… your only son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind her own business.

… you want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party, and there aren’t any.

… you turn on the TV news and they’re displaying emergency routes out of your city.